Hey everyone! So this blog is supposed to be about honesty, so here I go. I decided to start writing my day to day because I wanted to show people the good and bad about acting. Clearly everyone has a different path and experiences different things in different ways, but this is MY truth. Just me. I figured I would use this as a forum to document everything that comes to play and treat this as a diary, a very open and public diary. The only thing I will never focus on is my kids nor my husband, they didn't sign up for this therefore I will not force them into my blogs. With that being said I can start THIS blog.
I have had a lot on my mind lately. I was very busy in May, June and July traveling for work then recently took a vacation that did a lot more for me than I expected. I was able to take a step back and be at one with myself, by myself for several moments day after day. It was just what I needed, a restart. I realized that I am a lot of things and I tend to have a lot on my plate. I am a busy body, always have been, but maybe at times I bite off more than I can chew but still make it work because I am definitely not a quitter.
I realized, recently, that I might have some mental issues. I think I have anxiety and depression. I said it, there. I don't think that my type A personality lets me TRULY bask in the depression portion, but I know that it is there, I feel it. Some days, ok most days, I could stay in bed all day if I could. I have kids so there is no way, I have shit to do, so I do it. I have auditions I need to go to, so I do it. During auditions it is easy for me to turn it off because I am acting, and I can do that. Act like everything is ok and act well for the audition. check. I force myself to get out and do the things that need to get done but not much else. I hardly hang around my friends like I used to, not because I can't but more because I just don't have the desire or motivation. Then there is that, motivation. I feel like I forced myself to have it last year and all of a sudden it just went away. Where did it go? Have I always been this way or am I just in a rut? Who knows?
Again, this is not a woe is me, I'm just letting you guys in a little more. I'm usually and even now, a very positive person. That has not changed. I am not sad. I am not negative. I think I might just be overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with the pressures of being a stay at home mom and working as an actor full time. I basically have 2 full time jobs, its tough, but I wouldn't change it for the world. The anxiety I just feel is with the kids. I get stressed very easy when they test me and I'm sure that isn't normal. Maybe it is, who knows. This is one of the reasons why I said that i will be restructuring with Stephanie. Initially I said I would post Monday through Friday and take weekends off for the family. Well, now I'm starting to realize that I might need more time to myself than that. I need to get my mental health right and I definitely do not want to be on any medication.
Tonight we are going to meet to see what will be best for the page, blog and youtube channel (Showbiz Lowdown). I am excited for what is to come. I absolutely love what I do, I just need to find a healthier way of doing it. I feel like everyone suffers from this stuff and I'm just one more person but man, it really kicks your ass. I'm more headstrong than a mofo and I feel like it really wants to take over me. You have no idea how hard it was to force myself to workout today and do everything that needed to be done. I still haven't done everything, I'm not sure what the root is but I'm even thinking maybe I should talk to someone, I probably will look into that after I write this blog.
With that being said, there are many people out there that have it WAY worse than me. This is a blog about what I personally am struggling with. I do not have major depression, I do not want to hurt myself, I am not suicidal, I am not leaning to drugs, none of that stuff. Just in case anyone is feeling really terrible for me at the moment. I want to make it clear that it is very minor but still not who I normally am. when you see me happy, I really am. When you see me working, its not killing me inside. I feel like this is more on a day to day when I am on my own and not bombarded with things to do. It will get better. Sorry this wasn't much about acting but I think it still needed to be said. If you are my friend then let's go out, I need it!! I've been home for too long only focusing on the kids and I know I can rely more on hubby, he has even said so too. It's the guilt trip that I give myself.
Ok back to positivity! That is a downer post that I was hoping to never do! Sorry!! Again, it needed to be said. Now on to better things! See you guys soon and please don't stop the emails! They are great and help me with content for sure!!!